my 12 realizations before my 21st
I haven't written a complete piece since I turned 20. how different my life looks since those words were put to paper...
I turned 21 today. I am writing this as I sit in the bedroom of my second college apartment in an attempt to reflect on the last year of my life, one that looked much different from what I could’ve anticipated. Twenty, you were honestly the hardest year I’ve had to get through but I can wholeheartedly say that I am stronger today than I was 12 months ago. So here are the 12 things I internalized before 21, over a year that started with overwhelming tears but ended with plentiful laughter.
You are obligated to no one and nothing.
I am a chronic people pleaser, and while most of the time that means I can walk into a room of strangers and leave having had great conversations, sometimes it means I pour into relationships that deplete me because it’s all I know to be “the right thing to do”. Do what you want because you’ll never make everyone happy and just end up sad instead.
When people show you their colors, take note.
I have a tendency to see only the best in people. In my book, everyone gets multiple chances because I truly believe that deep down, people have good intentions. But if someone has shown you, time and time again, that they don’t have your best interest at heart, let them go no matter how scary. They can be the best version of themselves for someone else, it’s not going to happen for you.
Confrontation can be healthy and is a skill you need to have.
If there is one thing I know with certainty, it is how much I fear confrontation. It’s the people pleaser in me. But there is nothing more important than standing up for yourself. This past year when I struggled to bring myself out of a spiral, a friend told me “I will fight for you everyday but nothing will change until you fight for yourself.” Stand up for yourself, no one else can.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I think we forget that, as cheesy as it sounds, it is our first time doing this whole life thing. Each new chapter is exactly that, new. Give yourself grace because you’re doing good things. Fear boredom not failure, explore and try new things. These are the years.
Dating is a two way street.
It is not just about how the other person feels about you. It is just as much about how you feel when you are with them. Again, it’s the people pleaser in me. I want the guy to like me and have fun and while that is so important, it is arguably more important to project yourself authentically and make a genuine judgement of compatibility. You bring so much to the table and someone one day will see and appreciate that, you won’t have to work overtime to convince them.
Be comfortable in solitude.
I think this kind of follows up on dating. I’ve been single in its truest sense my whole life and when I turned 20 I felt some kind of impending doom to find my “life-partner” which is crazy not only because 20 is incredibly young in the bigger picture but also because there is so much more to enjoy in this life, a lot of which is hidden when you’re trapped into chasing companionship. Learn to appreciate time alone without being lonely.
Cherish your female friendships.
“Nearly everything I know about love, I’ve learned from my long-term friendships with women.” People move for significant others, celebrate anniversaries and go on dates when they’re in relationships. Friendships don’t come with exclusivity but that doesn’t diminish the intentional effort they deserve. Plan the friendsgivings and the girls nights. Friends pour into your cup when you can’t fill it for yourself.
Take up space.
I was called a social butterfly most of my life, I can really talk to anyone about anything. Eventually I guess some people decided it was something to make fun of and I heard “A for Adrita. A for annoying” many a time. But I am a people person through and through. My ability to cultivate and maintain friendships across multiple stages of my life is something I take an incredible amount of pride in. The right people won’t diminish your light, in fact it’ll be their favorite thing about you.
You don’t have to minimize yourself and your wants or needs.
Piggybacking on the last point, as a people pleaser I tend to schedule around others for their convenience which can be considerate to a limit. There comes a point where you need to make your limits with what you want, need and are able to provide clear.
Invest in yourself, it is the only thing you have complete control over.
If you want to make a change in your habits or lifestyle, do it. Whether that is going to the gym, drinking more water, reading more, or anything else - if you put your mind to it, anything is possible. It is your life and while you may not have 100% control in every circumstance, you can take charge in these regards.
Take time to reflect, it’s the only way you see growth.
We forget how far we’ve come in every single aspect of our lives. The university I go to, the career I’m building, the life I live with utmost independence and freedom - little me can’t even fathom these as ideas. I hope she is proud, smiling ear to ear.
Be selective about who you keep in your life.
This is my biggest takeaway from the year. No one is permanent - their presence is far from guaranteed. If you are not actively positively contributing to my life, I will hold open the door for your exit. I have become comfortable in my independence and after many challenging moments over the past year or two, I can confidently say that I am the happiest I have been. I love the people I have in my life at the moment and if you’re taking away from that, you don’t have to be here.
I’m coming back to this about 24 hours later, debating if this will see beyond my Google Drive - I think it will. I am very proud of this past year and I hope someone resonates with what I’ve shared. Here’s to the next 12 months, may it bring more growth, self care, time with those who are dear, and most importantly, here is hoping for a year of peace and happiness in its most genuine definition.
Here’s to a year of more reflection and expression through writing, hopefully this isn’t my last post before I turn 22.
you’ll hear from me soon (🤞)
Love always,
Adrita