another decade?
unsure who let me turn 20 tbh
hi its january 30th. i turn 20 tomorrow. not sure if this will ever see the light of day but i think too much to not write down my thoughts on turning the page on a new decade. i feel like i shouldn’t be allowed to turn 20. i feel like i don’t have enough life experience to start the third decade of my life.
I'm grappling with the weight of expectations that come with entering a new phase of adulthood. Growing up, I always looked at 20-year-olds as if they had everything figured out, and now that I'm on the brink of it, I realize I'm still finding my way. I'm consumed by thoughts of whether I'm "adult" enough for this next stage. Little things, like not eating breakfast before my morning classes, make me question my readiness. I probably sound crazy so I guess I’ll clarify here that, deep down, I don’t think 20 is actually the year when everything falls into place. I don’t think there is a specific year when everything pieces together perfectly. It is everyone’s first time doing the whole life thing after all.
But for me, I’m not a huge birthday person. I hate the idea of being the center of attention so a bunch of my closest friends all coming together just to celebrate me… yeah that’s such an absolutely terrifying concept to me. And because of that I’ve always been pretty nonchalant about birthdays. I’ll stay up till 12, respond to some texts, talk to family, and maybe eat some cake or food of my choosing but that’s about it. The day was usually a good day but nothing I eagerly or nervously anticipated, in fact there wasn’t much anticipation at all. But this past month, honestly slightly longer, I’ve been unable to think about much other than this unfathomable idea of my twenties, an uncharted territory.
The idea of losing the teenager classification is terrifying to me, almost like loosing a layer of protection against many mistakes and perhaps some poor life descions. I feel like the “-teen” suffix carries a lot of room from error and growth. I’m not ready to lose that.
As the clock ticks closer to midnight, I can't help but reflect on the journey that has led me here. My 10-year-old self would have been eager for this day, envisioning a cool, confident adult version of myself. But now, standing on the precipice of my twenties, I feel apprehensive. It’s like I haven’t done enough, seen enough, or learned enough. That I still have so much more youth to live out before I can be in my twenties.
ok i’m coming back to this on march 30th, it's been two months so I guess you could consider me an experienced 20 year old (i’m really not… i still call my mom to ask if something is microwave/dishwasher safe)
These past two months have been nothing crazy. Not bad, but nothing special. I think I’ve realized that at the end of the day, I’m still a college student and that’s probably my most defining character trait at the moment. I’m still a sophomore in college; I’m barely halfway done with my degree. I still live in my west campus apartment where if you ever look out the window, you can see that the weekend starts on Thursdays in our part of the world.
I’m accepting the fact that I’m 20 now, and that’s liberating in its own way. When you really think about it, 20 isn’t even that old. I was being so dramatic thinking my youth was slipping through my fingers, but there is no rule in the handbook of life that defines when you lose your youth. Twenty doesn’t mean you’ve seen the whole world or all of a sudden the wisdom of the generation above is dumped into your brain. So this is a decade to learn, to see, to discover, and most importantly, to find your peace.
To put it in short, I’m scared. But they say these are the best years of your life and 10-year-old Adrita deserves to have them lived to the fullest. So, here's to a decade of growth, discovery, and finding my place in the world. I may not have it all together and I definitely don’t have all the answers, but come what may and I’ll be here for it.